house-hunting 101

Came across this questionnaire on a website for first-time home buyers.

Wants and Needs

- Price range
$450,000 or less, if I can find it. half a million smackeroos, and I still have to fix it up. ohmigod. doesn't that get me an estate with an 8-car garage and private steambath with helipad in New Brunswick?

- Building style/design
not butt-ugly and completely surrounded by concrete, like some of the houses I've looked at.

- New construction
no. i can't afford it and why pay extra taxes to the government?

- Remodeled
no. well-kept.

- Fixer upper
yes- i want to increase the value, but not have to do major repairs or renovations.

- Minimum # bedrooms
2-3

- Bathrooms
1-2, not counting the suite downstairs, they must have their own place to poop.

- Family room
?

- Fire place
meh.

- Office/den
yes. i need somewhere to hide.

- Hardwood floors
hell, yeah.

- Swimming pool / Spa
yes. and a pleasure-garden filled with nubile young love-slaves. purely so that they can appreciate my flowers and fan me with palm fronds, of course.

- In-law quarters
if by "in-law quarters", you mean "basement suite", yes.

- Workshop
absolutely. Builder Bob be in da house! now where do i plug this reciprojigsledgamasawbigbadmofo in? wahahahaaa! ow!

- Central air conditioning
and a wet bar in every room, stocked with the finest champagnes and fine stinky unpasturized cheeses smuggled from europe in my cheese mule's secret luggage compartments.

- Parking facilities
the street is good enough for my friends. nothing but the best for the car owners in my life. more room for my pleasure garden.

- Yard size
big as possible. my own private fiefdom to fence and dig up as I please. arf!

- School district
yes. ah must edumacate my chilluns.

- Work locations
the whole damn place will be a work location until I am happy with it. you will never see me without sawdust on my clothes.

- Special zoning or location
must be zoned HCS-01 (hippies, coffee and skytrain close by).